Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
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[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada