If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
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I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.