This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
You Might Also Like
he looks great for his age
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps