Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
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It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Good news
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
A huge thanks to the person that did this
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.