Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
You Might Also Like
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?