We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
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Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Good dog. ❤️
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
fly smarter, not harder
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down