Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
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Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.