And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
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ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Note to self: always read the final line
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.