*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I think about this a lot
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.