My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
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pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
This kid is going places
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”