No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
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I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
this chia pet tastes awful
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????