[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
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The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
that’s really how it is
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.