Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
You Might Also Like
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
birds and squirrels envy us
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.