My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
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The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up