I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
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Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Mad Max Arctic Road
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Raisins are grape jerky.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.