*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
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I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Sharon I have some bad news
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.