Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
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if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there