The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
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You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I love the honesty
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.