Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
You Might Also Like
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Anime is real
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh