[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
You Might Also Like
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
getting corrected
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?