I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
You Might Also Like
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.