some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
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Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in