It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Is this you?
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted