A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
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A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.