50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
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Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
The Assassin.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed