“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
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ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?