Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
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me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?