Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
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“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
i really liked this one
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE