*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
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Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Worth the read.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
We’ve all been there
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”