I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
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best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.