My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
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just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I can’t deal with men any longer
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
The cats activated the rainbow portal again