gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
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Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
do what now??
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you