Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
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*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
what it’s like dating me:
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”