When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
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humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff