If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
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omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
me opening up to someone
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.