I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
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“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please