No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
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ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.