A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
You Might Also Like
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on