Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
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Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I really had high hopes for this year though
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?