Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
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my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”