a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
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Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.