Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
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[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today