I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
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Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.