If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
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You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.