Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
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Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Seems kinda suspicious