If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
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(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
if my sleeping schedule was a person