Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
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I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Florida be like…
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah