You Might Also Like
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants