Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
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I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Not helping
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it