I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
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2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Don’t snitch tag.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.